Scene: Group of bros are hanging out on the porch of the Beta Feta Kappa House, drinking adult beverages and bragging about their past conquests. “Oh, I’ve got sixteen notches, Going on seventeen notches. How ‘bout you, how ‘bout you, How many have you got?” “Oh, I’ve got seventeen notches, Going on eighteen notches. Boy oh boy, boy oh boy, That sure feels like a lot!” Steve, the Senior Brother of BFK House, steps out of the front door and joins the other bros on the porch. “But it’s not, no it’s not, you fruitless clot! Don’t stop counting notches ‘till your Elk is shot! Steve’s got seventy-five notches, Going on seventy-six notches, Now that’s a lot! Steve’s got a lot!” All bros exit leaving Steve alone on the porch, looking out at the passing traffic.

Scene: Steve is standing alone on the porch, reflecting on his past. “Kate, number eight, You’re the one that I want to date. You’re the first one who stole my heart, Now you’re gone and that tears me apart. Kate, number eight, How could I ever underestimate You Kate, it’s too late, For me and you, my Kate.” Rob returns from the bushes and zips his fly. He pauses before entering, noticing Steve standing at the edge of the porch, singing to the night sky. “Eileen, seventeen, My big breasted beauty queen. Watching her bounce up and down, Feels as good as when Dave Matthews comes to town. Eileen, seventeen, Biggest bits, I’ve ever seen. Eileen, could have been, Just me and you, Eileen.” Paul blows smoke out the second story window looking down on the porch. He sees Steve and Rob sitting with their legs crossed over each other’s on the porch swing, deep in some sort of ‘thought’. “Christie, my number sixty, A milestone on my bedpost’s history. You were the one who stole my heart, I screwed up and now I don’t know where to start.” “Kate, my one love Kate, I’ll always wait; oh won’t you come back to me. Kate (but no), number eight (it’s too late), For me and you, my Kate.” The three bros are filled with regret and nostalgic feelings and decide to return inside to drown their troubles in the keg.

The pledges of Beta Feta Kappa gather around the keg in the basement. Rob stands off in the corner, playing darts by himself and drinking Jack Daniels straight from the bottle. Steve and Paul come over and try and strike up a conversation. “What’s so special about birds, What can they do that I can’t do? They fly all day and prey, And honestly that’s kind of gay.” The chorus of Bros arrive dressed in chicken and duck and eagle costumes to support Rob. “Chirp chirpy chirp chirp chirp, etc...” “All the gal likes is birds, Flapping wings; dropping turds. Talk to her, she’ll elaborate, But that don’t help me get a date. Don’t get me wrong, nothing against ornithology, I just wish I understood this gal’s psychology. I can’t move until I make her my notch twenty-one, And honestly, I think this gal could be a lot of fun... ...if she ever stopped talking about motherfucking Birds, pesky rodent-grabbing birds, Egg-laying, regurgitating birds. Eagles and falcons and crows and doves, I hate that I despise what she loves.” “Chirp chirpy chirp chirp chirp, etc...” “I wish I wasn’t chasing a nerd, Who’s in loves with birds. Incubating, overbearing, migrating, food-sharing, Talon-wearing, beagle-scaring birds!” All fall down in a feathery, beer soaked mess. Blackout.

Later that night, Steve, Rob, and Paul are hanging out in their boxers in the surprisingly spacious and tastefully decorated master bedroom of Steve. All are in a very drunk and confessional mood. “I got a notch right here, a gal from Belvedere, And there’s another one lined up in Rensselaer. Can do, can do, I think that my post can do. If me and my post can do, can do, can do.” “I got a notch right here, a girl with purple hair, And I kept her brown underwear, Likes mud, likes mud, my axel and I likes mud, If my axel and I likes mud, can do, can do.” “I got a notch right here, to prove I’m not a queer, But sometimes after seven or eight beers, I gets gay, gets gay, yeah me and my clutch gets gay. If me and my clutch gets gay, can do, can do.” “I’m goin’ to the bar, I’m goin’ pretty far, Gotta go to Chi-Town to meet a star. Needs race, needs race, oh me and my notch needs race. If me and my notch needs race, can do, can do.” “Gonna find a bear, with purple body hair; Piercings and tattoos everywhere. Big threat, big threat, my elk and I - a big threat And if my elk senses a big threat, can do, can do.” “I’m going to the club, I’m gonna meet a chub, And I hope to see his hefty stub - In my ass, my ass, when I’m drunk, gets in my ass.” “Belvedere - underwear - not a queer - I’ve got the notch right here!” All three bros fall exhausted into the king-size bed, ready to dream of what could be.